To make the switch from what we are used to is never easy. We either do it by our free will or sometimes against it. In case of the latter, we are troubled, crestfallen and devitalised to the extent of ending in a deep calm, which essentially is a kind of numbness that descends upon us when we’ve reached a dead end trying to escape a pursuing beast at the dead of night. Its’ size and raptorial instincts leaving us feeling impuissant. You know there is no point in trying to jump over the fence when the creature is right behind you and comes with a splendid night vision as an added bonus. You stand still or move, you are going to be ripped apart indiscriminately regardless.
This was the state I experienced recently. Only the roles were played by objects. The switch of the skillset, usually a welcome change, was this time due to helplessness. Attempt to escape was actually a rescue effort with dead end being the exhaustiveness. Beast, a monster of my own creation, build from negligence and unthoughtfulness. Stress, fear, sadness and shock being the predator’s many attributes.
Numbness is real.
I cannot jump the fence. I am disabled for that purpose. I allowed the beast to get too close. I could have been better prepared, better equipped for such a contigent event. Dr Frankenstein cannot be invincible.
Is there a message in all of this? Is this life’s way of telling me, ‘”Go on, you wanted this, right?” Was this some form of tempting-providence instance of sort?
It hurts when we allow. It won’t if we defy. For now, it is painful, even in the anaesthetised state. I am sad, but won’t wallow in that state. I never do. I am a warrior. Self-proclaimed one, so be it!
For a limited time, I seem to have been robbed of my purpose, but I have many other purposes that define me. I will assume one of them wholeheartedly.
I am bound to lose some people on the way because they cannot have me in any other form than the one they accepted or have known me for. I will also retain some who will welcome my new avatar. Those who see me as a person, not as a robot. Those who don’t define me for what I do but for what I am.
A good friend once wrote to me, “It is very easy to find someone to do a lot with, but very hard to find someone to do nothing with.”
I want to be the latter for those who have the wisdom to appreciate this quote, and still want to be around me.
To do nothing.
To not remind me of my nothingness but to be a part of it and to bring more nothingness to fill where a danger of temporal activity is anticipated. To accumulate it as an asset. To earn it.